1) My first job was in an orange factory, but I couldn’t concentrate.

2) Then i worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.

3) After that I tried working in a doughnut shop, but I soon got tired of the hole business.

4) I manufactured calendars, but my days were numbered.

5) I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it.

6) I took a job as an upholsterer, but I never recovered.

7) Next I tried working in a car muffler factory, but that was exhausting.

8) I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldnt cut it.

9) I studied to become a doctor, but I didn’t have enough patients for the job.

10) I became a velcro salesman, but I couldn’t stick with it.

11) I tried my hand at a professional career in tennis, but it wasn’t my racket.

12) I became a baker, but it wasnt a cakewalk, and I couldn’t make enough dough.

13) I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

14) redacted

15) I thought about being a historian, but I couldn’t see a future in it.

16) Next I was an electrician, but I found the work shocking and revolting, so they discharged me.

17) I tried being a teacher, but I soon lost my principal, my faculties, and my class.

18) I turned to farming, but I wasn’t outstanding in my field.

19) I took a job as an elevator operator. The job had its ups and downs, and I got the shaft.

20) I sold origami, but the business folded.

21) I took a job at UPS, but I couldn’t express myself.

22) Then I tried being a fireman, but I suffered burnout.

23) I became a banker, but I lacked interest and maturity, and finally withdrew from the job.

24) I was a professional fisherman, but I couldn’t live on my net income.

25) I next worked in a shoe factory, but I just didn’t fit in. They thought I was a loafer, and I got the boot.

26) Then I worked at starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

27) so I’ve retired, and I find I’m a perfect fit for this job!

credit: Akiva Fox

An Old Jewish Man Dies His last wish to his son is to print an obituary. The son goes to newspaper office and asks how much they charge for an obituary. They tell him $5 per word.

He says then print “Solomon dead”. The newspaper tell him they require minimum 5 words. He thinks for a moment and says, then make it “Solomon dead, wheelchair for sale”.

I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.”
He said, “NO!”
I told him, “She is Bill Gates’ daughter.”
He said, “OK.”
I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.”
Bill Gates said, “NO.”
I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.”
Bill Gates said, “OK.”
I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.
He said, “NO.”
I told him, “My son is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.”
He said, “OK.”
This is exactly how politics works . . .

An uplifting story

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he loved to play Golf .
One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.
He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels.
He looked closer and saw that this man didn’t have any arms at all.
He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.
He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again. He asked, ‘Why are you so happy anyway?’
He said, ‘I’m NOT happy.
My balls itch.
Stories like this just makes one want to cry, how heart-warming.

Four Jewish brothers left home for college and eventually, they became successful doctors,and lawyers and prospered.

Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together.
They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother, who lived far away in another city.

The first said, “I had a big house built for Mama.”

The second said, “I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house.”

The third said, “I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her a SL 600 with a chauffeur.”

The fourth said, “Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Torah and you know she can’t anymore because she can’t see very well. I met this Rabbi who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the temple, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it.” The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mama sent out her Thank You notes.

Milton – Bubbeleh, the house you built is so huge, I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.

Marvin – Mine Shayne Kindeleh. I am too old to travel. I stay home. I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes and the driver you hired is a Nazi. The thought was good. Thanks.

Menachim – Tataleh, you give me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead. I’ve lost my hearing and I’m nearly blind. I’ll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.

Dearest Melvin – You were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious.

Those of us old enough to remember when the phone was wired to the wall, usually in the kitchen, can relate to this story. I loved this read.

The Black Telephone

When I was a young boy, my father had one of the first telephones in our neighborhood. I remember the polished, old case fastened to the wall. The shiny receiver hung on the side of the box….. I was too little to reach the telephone, but used to listen with fascination when my mother talked to it.

Then I discovered that somewhere inside the wonderful device lived an amazing person. Her name was “Information Please” and there was nothing she did not know. “Information Please” could supply anyone’s number and the correct time.

My personal experience with the genie-in-a-bottle came one day while my mother was visiting a neighbor. Amusing myself at the tool bench in the basement, I whacked my finger with a hammer, the pain was terrible, but there seemed no point in crying because there was no one home to give sympathy. I walked around the house sucking my throbbing finger, finally arriving at the stairway.

The telephone! Quickly, I ran for the footstool in the parlor and dragged it to the landing. Climbing up, I unhooked the receiver in the parlor and held it to my ear. “Information, please,” I said into the mouthpiece just above my head.

A click or two and a small clear voice spoke into my ear.

“Information.”

“I hurt my finger…” I wailed into the phone, the tears came readily enough now that I had an audience..

“Isn’t your mother home?” came the question.

“Nobody’s home but me,” I blubbered.

“Are you bleeding?” the voice asked

“No, “I replied. “I hit my finger with the hammer and it hurts.”

“Can you open the icebox?” she asked.

I said I could.

“Then chip off a little bit of ice and hold it to your finger,” said the voice..

After that, I called “Information Please” for everything. I asked her for help with my geography, and she told me where Philadelphia was.

She helped me with my math.

She told me my pet chipmunk that I had caught in the park just the day before, would eat fruit and nuts.

Then, there was the time Petey, our pet canary, died. I called, “Information Please,” and told her the sad story. She listened, and then said things grown-ups say to soothe a child. But I was not consoled. I asked her, “Why is it that birds should sing so beautifully and bring joy to all families, only to end up as a heap of feathers on the bottom of a cage?”

She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly, “Wayne, always remember that there are other worlds to sing in.”

Somehow I felt better.

Another day I was on the telephone, “Information Please.”

“Information,” said in the now familiar voice.

“How do I spell fix?” I asked.

All this took place in a small town in the Pacific Northwest.

When I was nine years old, we moved across the country to Boston. I missed my friend very much.

“Information Please” belonged in that old wooden box back home and I somehow never thought of trying the shiny new phone that sat on the table in the hall. As I grew into my teens, the memories of those childhood conversations never really left me.

Often, in moments of doubt and perplexity I would recall the serene sense of security I had then. I appreciated now how patient, understanding, and kind she was to have spent her time on a little boy.

A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane put down in Seattle. I had about a half-hour or so between planes. I spent 15 minutes or so on the phone with my sister, who lived there now. Then without thinking what I was doing, I dialed my hometown operator and said, “Information Please.”

Miraculously, I heard the small, clear voice I knew so well.

“Information.”

I hadn’t planned this, but I heard myself saying, “Could you please tell me how to spell fix?”

There was a long pause. Then came the soft spoken answer, “I guess your finger must have healed by now.”

I laughed, “So it’s really you,” I said. “I wonder if you have any idea how much you meant to me during that time?”

“I wonder,” she said, “if you know how much your calls meant to me. I never had any children and I used to look forward to your calls.”

I told her how often I had thought of her over the years and I asked if I could call her again when I came back to visit my sister.

“Please do,” she said. “Just ask for Sally.”

Three months later I was back in Seattle.

A different voice answered, “Information.”

I asked for Sally.

“Are you a friend?” she said.

“Yes, a very old friend,” I answered.

“I’m sorry to have to tell you this,” She said. “Sally had been working part time the last few years because she was sick. She died five weeks ago.”

Before I could hang up, she said, “Wait a minute, did you say your name was Wayne?” ”

“Yes.” I answered.

“Well, Sally left a message for you. She wrote it down in case you called. Let me read it to you.” The note said, “Tell him there are other worlds to sing in. He’ll know what I mean.”

I thanked her and hung up. I knew what Sally meant.

Never underestimate the impression you may make on others!

How many folks do you know who say they don’t want to drink anything before going to bed because they’ll have to get up during the night!!

Something else I didn’t know … I asked my Doctor why do people need to urinate so much at nighttime.

Answers from my Cardiac Doctor:

Gravity holds water in the lower part of your body when you are upright (legs swell).

When you lie down and the lower body (legs, etc.) is level with the kidneys, it is then that the kidneys remove the water because it is easier.

This then ties in with the last statement!

I knew you need your minimum water to help flush the toxins out of your body, but this was news to me. Correct time to drink water… Very Important.

From A Cardiac Specialist!

Drinking water at a certain time maximizes its effectiveness on the body:
2 glasses of water after waking up – helps activate internal organs
1 glass of water 30 minutes before a meal – helps digestion
1 glass of water before taking a bath – helps lower blood pressure (who knew???)
1 glass of water before going to bed – avoids stroke or heart attack (good to know!)

I can also add to this… My Physician told me that water at bed time will also help prevent night time leg cramps. Your leg muscles are seeking hydration when they cramp and wake you up with a Charlie Horse. (this I know forsure!)

1. YOUR SHOES ARE THE FIRST THING PEOPLE SUBCONSCIOUSLY NOTICE ABOUT YOU. WEAR NICE SHOES.

2. IF YOU SIT FOR MORE THAN 11 HOURS A DAY, THERE’S A 50% CHANCE YOU’LL DIE WITHIN THE NEXT 3 YEARS

3. THERE ARE AT LEAST 6 PEOPLE IN THE WORLD WHO LOOK EXACTLY LIKE YOU. THERE’S A 9% CHANCE THAT YOU’LL MEET ONE OF THEM IN YOUR LIFETIME.

4. SLEEPING WITHOUT A PILLOW REDUCES BACK PAIN AND KEEPS YOUR SPINE STRONGER.

5. A PERSON’S HEIGHT IS DETERMINED BY THEIR FATHER, AND THEIR WEIGHT IS DETERMINED BY THEIR MOTHER.

6. IF A PART OF YOUR BODY “FALLS ASLEEP”,YOU CAN ALMOST ALWAYS “WAKE IT UP” BY SHAKING YOUR HEAD.

7. THERE ARE THREE THINGS THE HUMAN BRAIN CANNOT RESIST NOTICING -FOOD, ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE AND DANGER

8. RIGHT-HANDED PEOPLE TEND TO CHEW FOOD ON THEIR RIGHT SIDE

9. PUTTING DRY TEA BAGS IN GYM BAGS OR SMELLY SHOES WILL ABSORB THE UNPLEASANT ODOR.

10. ACCORDING TO ALBERT EINSTEIN, IF HONEY BEES WERE TO DISAPPEAR FROM EARTH, HUMANS WOULD BE DEAD WITHIN 4 YEARS.

11. THERE ARE SO MANY KINDS OF APPLES, THAT IF YOU ATE A NEW ONE EVERYDAY, IT WOULD TAKE OVER 20 YEARS TO TRY THEM ALL.

12. YOU CAN SURVIVE WITHOUT EATING FOR WEEKS, BUT YOU WILL ONLY LIVE 11 DAYS WITHOUT SLEEPING.

13. PEOPLE WHO LAUGH A LOT ARE HEALTHIER THAN THOSE WHO DON’T.

14. LAZINESS AND INACTIVITY KILLS JUST AS MANY PEOPLE AS SMOKING.

15. A HUMAN BRAIN HAS A CAPACITY TO STORE 5 TIMES AS MUCH INFORMATION AS WIKIPEDIA

16. OUR BRAIN USES THE SAME AMOUNT OF POWER AS A 10-WATT LIGHT BULB!!

17. OUR BODY GIVES ENOUGH HEAT IN 30 MINS TO BOIL 1.5 LITERS OF WATER!!

18. THE OVUM EGG IS THE LARGEST CELL AND THE SPERM IS THE SMALLEST CELL!!

19. STOMACH ACID (CONC. HCL) IS STRONG ENOUGH TO DISSOLVE RAZOR BLADES!!

20. TAKE A 10-30 MINUTE WALK EVERY DAY & WHILE YOU WALK, SMILE. IT IS THE ULTIMATE ANTIDEPRESSANT.

21. SIT IN SILENCE FOR AT LEAST 10 MINUTES EACH DAY.

22. WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING, PRAY TO ASK GOD’S GUIDANCE FOR YOUR PURPOSE TODAY.

23. EAT MORE FOODS THAT GROW ON TREES AND PLANTS AND EAT LESS FOOD THAT IS MANUFACTURED IN PLANTS.

24. DRINK GREEN TEA AND PLENTY OF WATER. EAT BLUEBERRIES, BROCCOLI, AND ALMONDS.

25. TRY TO MAKE AT LEAST THREE PEOPLE SMILE EACH DAY.

26. DON’T WASTE YOUR PRECIOUS ENERGY ON GOSSIP, ENERGY VAMPIRES, ISSUES OF THE PAST, NEGATIVE THOUGHTS OR THINGS YOU CANNOT CONTROL. INSTEAD INVEST YOUR ENERGY IN THE POSITIVE PRESENT MOMENT.

27. EAT BREAKFAST LIKE A KING, LUNCH LIKE A PRINCE AND DINNER LIKE A COLLEGE KID WITH A MAXED OUT CHARGE CARD.

28. LIFE ISN’T FAIR, BUT IT’S STILL GOOD.

29. LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO WASTE TIME HATING ANYONE. FORGIVE THEM FOR EVERYTHING!

30. DON’T TAKE YOURSELF SO SERIOUSLY. NO ONE ELSE DOES.

31. YOU DON’T HAVE TO WIN EVERY ARGUMENT. AGREE TO DISAGREE.

32. MAKE PEACE WITH YOUR PAST SO IT WON’T SPOIL THE PRESENT.

33. DON’T COMPARE YOUR LIFE TO OTHERS. YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THEIR JOURNEY IS ALL ABOUT.

34. NO ONE IS IN CHARGE OF YOUR HAPPINESS EXCEPT YOU.

35. FRAME EVERY SO-CALLED DISASTER WITH THESE WORDS: ‘IN FIVE YEARS, WILL THIS MATTER?’

36. HELP THE NEEDY! BE GENEROUS! BE A ‘GIVER’ NOT A ‘TAKER’

37. WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK OF YOU IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

38. TIME HEALS EVERYTHING.

39. HOWEVER GOOD OR BAD A SITUATION IS, IT WILL CHANGE.

40. YOUR JOB WON’T TAKE CARE OF YOU WHEN YOU ARE SICK. YOUR FRIENDS WILL. STAY IN TOUCH.

41. ENVY IS A WASTE OF TIME. YOU ALREADY HAVE ALL YOU NEED.

42. EACH NIGHT BEFORE YOU GO TO BED, PRAY TO GOD AND BE THANKFUL FOR WHAT YOU’VE ACCOMPLISHED TODAY !

43. REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE TOO BLESSED TO BE STRESSED.

A Jewish Kop
A Jewish man walked into a bank in New York City one day and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Israel on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan. The Jewish man handed over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produced the title and everything checked out.
The loan officer agreed to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Jewish man for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000  loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank’s underground garage and parked it there. Two weeks later, the Jewish man returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest, which came to $15.41.
The loan officer said, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?” The Jewish man replied: “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”
Ah, A Jewish Kop.

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

4. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

5. Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

6.. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day .

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

12. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

13. Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like ‘The Force’. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22 . Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time…. I know where my watch is pal, where the heck is yours? Do I point at my pants when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their butt to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say, “Oh, you just want to have your cake and eat it too”. Dang right! What good is cake if you can’t eat it?

4. When people say, “It’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why the heck would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?!

5. When people say while watching a film “did you see that?”. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the floor..

6. People who ask “Can I ask you a question?”…. Didn’t really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is ‘new and improved!’. Which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it, and can’t be new.

8.When people say “life is short”. What the heck?? Life is the longest darn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that’s longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here?

Compliments of Alana Bess

A successful business man was growing old and knew it was time to choose a successor to take over the business.

Instead of choosing one of his Directors or his children, he decided to do something different.. He called all the young executives in his company together.

He said, “It is time for me to step down and choose the next CEO. I have decided to choose one of you. “The young executives were Shocked, but the boss continued. “I am going to give each one of you a SEED today – one very special SEED. I want you to plant the seed, water it, and come back here one year from today with what you have grown from the seed I have given you. I will then judge the plants that you bring, and the one I choose will be the next CEO.”

One man, named Jim, was there that day and he, like the others, received a seed. He went home and excitedly, told his wife the story. She helped him get a pot, soil and compost and he planted the seed. Everyday, he would water it and watch to see if it had grown. After about three weeks, some of the other executives began to talk about their seeds and the plants that were beginning to grow.

Jim kept checking his seed, but nothing ever grew. Three weeks, four weeks, five weeks went by, still nothing. By now, others were talking about their plants, but Jim didn’t have a plant and he felt like a failure.

Six months went by — still nothing in Jim’s pot. He just knew he had killed his seed. Everyone else had trees and tall plants, but he had nothing. Jim didn’t say anything to his colleagues, however… He just kept watering and fertilizing the soil – He so wanted the seed to grow.

A year finally went by and all the young executives of the company brought their plants to the CEO for inspection. Jim told his wife that he wasn’t going to take an empty pot. But she asked him to be honest about what happened. Jim felt sick to his stomach, it was going to be the most embarrassing moment of his life, but he knew his wife was right.

He took his empty pot to the board room. When Jim arrived, he was amazed at the variety of plants grown by the other executives. They were beautiful — in all shapes and sizes. Jim put his empty pot on the floor and many of his colleagues laughed, a few felt sorry for him!

When the CEO arrived, he surveyed the room and greeted his young executives.

Jim just tried to hide in the back. “My, what great plants, trees, and flowers you have grown,” said the CEO. “Today one of you will be appointed the next CEO!”

All of a sudden, the CEO spotted Jim at the back of the room with his empty pot. He ordered the Financial Director to bring him to the front. Jim was terrified. He thought, “The CEO knows I’m a failure! Maybe he will have me fired!”

When Jim got to the front, the CEO asked him what had happened to his seed – Jim told him the story.

The CEO asked everyone to sit down except Jim. He looked at Jim, and then announced to the young executives, “Behold your next Chief Executive Officer! His name is Jim!” Jim couldn’t believe it. Jim couldn’t even grow his seed.

“How could he be the new CEO?” the others said.

Then the CEO said, “One year ago today, I gave everyone in this room a seed. I told you to take the seed, plant it, water it, and bring it back to me today. But I gave you all boiled seeds; they were dead – it was not possible for them to grow.

All of you, except Jim, have brought me trees and plants and flowers. When you found that the seed would not grow, you substituted another seed for the one I gave you. Jim was the only one with the courage and honesty to bring me a pot with my seed in it. Therefore, he is the one who will be the new Chief Executive Officer!”

* If you plant honesty, you will reap trust
* If you plant goodness, you will reap friends
* If you plant humility, you will reap greatness
* If you plant perseverance, you will reap contentment
* If you plant consideration, you will reap perspective
* If you plant hard work, you will reap success
* If you plant forgiveness, you will reap reconciliation

So, be careful what you plant now;
it will determine what you will reap later..

“Whatever You Give To Life, Life Gives You Back”

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a U.S. naval ship with the Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Canadians:
Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans:
Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North.

Canadians:
Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans:
This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians:
No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans:
THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN,THAT’S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians:
We are a lighthouse, your call.

• The recession has hit everybody really hard…
• My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
• Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can’t afford batteries.
• CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
• Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
• A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
• I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
• If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
• McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
• Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
• Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s’ names.
• A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
• A picture is now only worth 200 words.
• When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
• The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And, finally….

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline.  I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Compliments of Diana Baxter

So my brother Joseph decided to go on the 5 bite diet exactly one month ago today – Here are the results.
He decided to take a picture of the scale after each weigh in. The diet is VERY simple after day 3, and the rules are as easy as PIE.

197 lbs on 6-12-11

This is the first picture he took on the scale. on June 12th (the day we all started (i lost 16 so far)), he weighed in at 197.00 LBS. He was motivated and ready.

After Week 1 at 187 down 10 lbs.

Week 1 passed and obviously he was very excited to see the results. 10 POUNDS? are you kidding me? Well, that obviously got him motivated to continue the diet and see what would happen.

After Week 2 at 180.5 down 16.5 lbs.

After the second full week, he shed another 6.5 LBS not bad for a diet where you can eat WHATEVER you want.

After Week 3 at 175 down 22 lbs.

OK, week 3 passed, and was it possible to lose anymore? YES – he weighed in at 175. that’s exactly 22 LBS of his body.

After Week 4 at 171 down 26 lbs.

Today was the last official weigh in. Weighed in at 171 LBS – that’s a total of 26 LBS in 28 Days, all while eating what he wants. We will weigh in again next week, but we officially wanted to see what he will look like after one month. (before and after shots to come soon)

Now you be the Judge. Does it work? I say YES – the 5 Bite Diet DOES Work.

Google’s instant search feature is a great tool, however, sometimes it works against you.

If you type certain things into the google toolbar it tries to figure out the rest of what you are going to search….

Well look below.  (click to enlarge)

Jews are What???

What did the Dos Equis Man look like when he was young?
You ever wondered what the Dos Equis Man (the most interesting man in the world) looked like when he was Younger? Here are some snapshots we found from Dos Equis archives. Rumor has it that he was born as not only the most interesting man in the world, but the Coolest kid in the world. He always had the swag. These are exclusive pictures. No one else has them, only available on joelbess.com. You can see the pictures and videos of what he looks like as an old man over here. But Rumor has it that he isn’t half as interesting as he was when he was a youth.

Mazel Tov to Reueven Gradon. What a beautiful wedding. Once again someone stole the show from Reuven and Shevy…. Guess who… Yup… Joseph (Yossie) Bess. It was a beautiful night in Monsey, New York and the wedding was winding down, when Joseph pulled the microphone from the band, and told them a song to play. They didn’t really know the song, so Joseph said he will lead the way. Well, like they say in the music world.. the rest is history.

The Paparrazi caught it on Video – here is a snippet below.

1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.
13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever..

22. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

24. People who forward e- mail without deleting the tons of previous recipients should be shot and then tarred and feathered.

25. The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. Ladies quit Laughing!

Joseph Bess is the coolest guy alive. Mega swag.

And here is another.

THIS MORNING – I WOKE UP TO THIS LETTER FROM MY BLACKBERRY
PRETTY SCARY!!!!

__

Dear Owner,

I’m so lucky I’m your BlackBerry!

You hold me with both hands gently as u could be.

You ensure that I am always with you.

If I fall you are afraid of my injury.

I always have your undivided attention, you get upset if others disturb our time together.

U can never forget me in a taxi & u won’t let me go unlike my old friends nokia, sony and sammy that u would proudly just hand over.

When u eat, I’m beside u. When u r on the toilet, I’m with u. When u sleep, my head is by ur pillow.

When I scream u rush and pick me up like an egg.

When I feel low, you make every effort to recharge my battery. When I am hungry, you fill me with airtime. You buy me all sorts of clothes to cover my precious skin. And if I make u feel t like a cowboy u strap me to ur waist or jeans.

Every month you ensure that you set aside the money, to buy me bundles (of love).

You upgraded me from my friends nokia, sony and sammy to a curve, bold & torch.

You rush home from work and spend quality time with me; not really bothered to make a conversation with those at home. You can sit up with me for hours and smile at me, yet I have no humanly emotions; sometimes I make u laugh that ppl think u are mad. I watch your wife/hubby or ‎​your bf/gf who envies our time together.

But dearie…

I appeal to you.

Your life is wasted because of me. Take some time, leave me aside and Sort out issues that are important to you because I may love you as much as you do love me but I’m just a blackberry, nothing more!

                      Kind Pings,

                      Your Blackberry

Good Bye 2010–Thanks for the Educational Emails

• As 2010 nears the end, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
• I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
• I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
• I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.
• Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
• I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public restroom.
• I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
• ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
• I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.
• I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
• I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.
• I can’t have a drink in a bar because I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.
• I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
• I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
• THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
• BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
• I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.
• I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
• AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.
• I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
• I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
• And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan ..
• I no longer buy cookies from Woollies since I now have their recipe.
• THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
• AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up a $1.00 coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
• I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
• P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.
• NOW YOU ALL HAVE YOURSELVES A VERY GOOD DAY……AND A HEALTHY LIFE…… oh yeah, the info about bed bugs has been invaluable, too!

TIMES HAVE REALLY CHANGED

Here are some comments that were made in the year 1955!

That’s only 55 years ago!

‘I’ll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it’s going to be impossible to buy a week’s groceries for $10.00. ‘
________________________________________
‘Have you seen the new cars coming out next year?  It won’t be long before $1, 000.00 will only buy a used one.’  
________________________________________
‘If cigarettes keep going up in price, I’m going to quit; 20 cents a pack is ridiculous. ‘
________________________________________
‘Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging 7 cents just to mail a letter.’
________________________________________
‘If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.’
________________________________________
‘When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 25 cents a gallon. Guess we’d be better off leaving the car in the garage.’
________________________________________
‘I’m afraid to send my kids to the movies any more.  Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in ‘GONE WITH THE WIND’, it seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.’
________________________________________
‘I read the other day where some scientist thinks it’s possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas .’
________________________________________
‘Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $50,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn’t surprise me if someday they’ll be making more than the President. ‘
________________________________________
‘I never thought I’d see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric.  They are even making electric typewriters now. ‘
________________________________________
‘It’s too bad things are so tough nowadays.  I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet. ‘
________________________________________
‘It won’t be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.’
________________________________________
‘I’m afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.’
________________________________________
‘Thank goodness I won’t live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes.  I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to government.’
________________________________________
‘The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.’
________________________________________
‘There is no sense going on short trips anymore for a weekend.  It costs nearly $2.00 a night to stay in a hotel.’
________________________________________
‘No one can afford to be sick anymore.  At $15.00 a day in the hospital, it’s too rich for my blood.’
________________________________________
‘If they think I’ll pay 30 cents for a hair cut, forget it.’
________________________________________

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Well today was the Super Bowl 2011
Green Bay Packers vs The Pittsburgh Steelers
Green Bay started as being favored by 2.5 closed at 3

I ended up taking Pitt +3.5 and over 44.5 so i pretty much Pushed in the straigh up Bets.

Its too bad, cause with 4:00 left PIT was down by only 3 points after a great 2 pt conversion. Rogers and Co just had to run the clock out, instead ehe decided to march down the field and kick a field goal – too bad.

But check out some of the Prop Bets I had in this game

Team to score first, gb
Team to score last, gb
Either team score 3 unanswered times, no +150
Score in last 2 min of 1st half -260 yes
First score of game, TD
Score in first 7;30, no
Lost on longest field goal (I had GB)
Lost on team to punt first (I had GB)
Will a special teams or defensive td score, yes +155
Lost on steelers will get first sack

• The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
• I ordered a burger at McDonald’s, and the kid behind the counter asked, “Can you afford fries with that?”
• CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
• If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you have to call them and ask if they mean you or them .
• Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
• McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ‘ouncer’.
• Parents in Beverly Hills and Malibu are firing their nannies and learning their children’s names.
• A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
• Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
• Motel Six won’t leave the light on anymore.
• The Mafia is laying off judges.
• BP Oil laid off 25 Congressmen.
• Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally…

• I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, and our bleak future, that I called the Suicide Lifeline and was connected to a call center in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.