Good Bye 2010–Thanks for the Educational Emails

• As 2010 nears the end, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
• I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
• I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
• I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.
• Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
• I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public restroom.
• I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
• ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
• I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.
• I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
• I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.
• I can’t have a drink in a bar because I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.
• I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
• I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
• THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
• BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
• I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.
• I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
• AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.
• I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
• I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
• And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan ..
• I no longer buy cookies from Woollies since I now have their recipe.
• THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
• AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up a $1.00 coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
• I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
• P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.
• NOW YOU ALL HAVE YOURSELVES A VERY GOOD DAY……AND A HEALTHY LIFE…… oh yeah, the info about bed bugs has been invaluable, too!