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My journey to a blissful job

1) My first job was in an orange factory, but I couldn’t concentrate.

2) Then i worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.

3) After that I tried working in a doughnut shop, but I soon got tired of the hole business.

4) I manufactured calendars, but my days were numbered.

5) I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it.

6) I took a job as an upholsterer, but I never recovered.

7) Next I tried working in a car muffler factory, but that was exhausting.

8) I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldnt cut it.

9) I studied to become a doctor, but I didn’t have enough patients for the job.

10) I became a velcro salesman, but I couldn’t stick with it.

11) I tried my hand at a professional career in tennis, but it wasn’t my racket.

12) I became a baker, but it wasnt a cakewalk, and I couldn’t make enough dough.

13) I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

14) redacted

15) I thought about being a historian, but I couldn’t see a future in it.

16) Next I was an electrician, but I found the work shocking and revolting, so they discharged me.

17) I tried being a teacher, but I soon lost my principal, my faculties, and my class.

18) I turned to farming, but I wasn’t outstanding in my field.

19) I took a job as an elevator operator. The job had its ups and downs, and I got the shaft.

20) I sold origami, but the business folded.

21) I took a job at UPS, but I couldn’t express myself.

22) Then I tried being a fireman, but I suffered burnout.

23) I became a banker, but I lacked interest and maturity, and finally withdrew from the job.

24) I was a professional fisherman, but I couldn’t live on my net income.

25) I next worked in a shoe factory, but I just didn’t fit in. They thought I was a loafer, and I got the boot.

26) Then I worked at starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

27) so I’ve retired, and I find I’m a perfect fit for this job!

credit: Akiva Fox

Great Lesson

Those of us old enough to remember when the phone was wired to the wall, usually in the kitchen, can relate to this story. I loved this read.

The Black Telephone

When I was a young boy, my father had one of the first telephones in our neighborhood. I remember the polished, old case fastened to the wall. The shiny receiver hung on the side of the box….. I was too little to reach the telephone, but used to listen with fascination when my mother talked to it.Alt_Telefon

Then I discovered that somewhere inside the wonderful device lived an amazing person. Her name was “Information Please” and there was nothing she did not know. “Information Please” could supply anyone’s number and the correct time.

My personal experience with the genie-in-a-bottle came one day while my mother was visiting a neighbor. Amusing myself at the tool bench in the basement, I whacked my finger with a hammer, the pain was terrible, but there seemed no point in crying because there was no one home to give sympathy. I walked around the house sucking my throbbing finger, finally arriving at the stairway.

The telephone! Quickly, I ran for the footstool in the parlor and dragged it to the landing. Climbing up, I unhooked the receiver in the parlor and held it to my ear. “Information, please,” I said into the mouthpiece just above my head.

A click or two and a small clear voice spoke into my ear.

“Information.”

“I hurt my finger…” I wailed into the phone, the tears came readily enough now that I had an audience..

“Isn’t your mother home?” came the question.

“Nobody’s home but me,” I blubbered.

“Are you bleeding?” the voice asked

“No, “I replied. “I hit my finger with the hammer and it hurts.”

“Can you open the icebox?” she asked.

I said I could.

“Then chip off a little bit of ice and hold it to your finger,” said the voice..

After that, I called “Information Please” for everything. I asked her for help with my geography, and she told me where Philadelphia was.

She helped me with my math.

She told me my pet chipmunk that I had caught in the park just the day before, would eat fruit and nuts.

Then, there was the time Petey, our pet canary, died. I called, “Information Please,” and told her the sad story. She listened, and then said things grown-ups say to soothe a child. But I was not consoled. I asked her, “Why is it that birds should sing so beautifully and bring joy to all families, only to end up as a heap of feathers on the bottom of a cage?”

She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly, “Wayne, always remember that there are other worlds to sing in.”

Somehow I felt better.

Another day I was on the telephone, “Information Please.”

“Information,” said in the now familiar voice.

“How do I spell fix?” I asked.

All this took place in a small town in the Pacific Northwest.

When I was nine years old, we moved across the country to Boston. I missed my friend very much.

“Information Please” belonged in that old wooden box back home and I somehow never thought of trying the shiny new phone that sat on the table in the hall. As I grew into my teens, the memories of those childhood conversations never really left me.

Often, in moments of doubt and perplexity I would recall the serene sense of security I had then. I appreciated now how patient, understanding, and kind she was to have spent her time on a little boy.

A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane put down in Seattle. I had about a half-hour or so between planes. I spent 15 minutes or so on the phone with my sister, who lived there now. Then without thinking what I was doing, I dialed my hometown operator and said, “Information Please.”

Miraculously, I heard the small, clear voice I knew so well.

“Information.”

I hadn’t planned this, but I heard myself saying, “Could you please tell me how to spell fix?”

There was a long pause. Then came the soft spoken answer, “I guess your finger must have healed by now.”

I laughed, “So it’s really you,” I said. “I wonder if you have any idea how much you meant to me during that time?”

“I wonder,” she said, “if you know how much your calls meant to me. I never had any children and I used to look forward to your calls.”

I told her how often I had thought of her over the years and I asked if I could call her again when I came back to visit my sister.

“Please do,” she said. “Just ask for Sally.”

Three months later I was back in Seattle.

A different voice answered, “Information.”

I asked for Sally.

“Are you a friend?” she said.

“Yes, a very old friend,” I answered.

“I’m sorry to have to tell you this,” She said. “Sally had been working part time the last few years because she was sick. She died five weeks ago.”

Before I could hang up, she said, “Wait a minute, did you say your name was Wayne?” ”

“Yes.” I answered.

“Well, Sally left a message for you. She wrote it down in case you called. Let me read it to you.” The note said, “Tell him there are other worlds to sing in. He’ll know what I mean.”

I thanked her and hung up. I knew what Sally meant.

Never underestimate the impression you may make on others!

A Jewish Kop

Ferrari

A Jewish Kop
A Jewish man walked into a bank in New York City one day and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Israel on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan. The Jewish man handed over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produced the title and everything checked out.
The loan officer agreed to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Jewish man for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000  loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank’s underground garage and parked it there. Two weeks later, the Jewish man returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest, which came to $15.41.
The loan officer said, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?” The Jewish man replied: “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”
Ah, A Jewish Kop.

Does the 5 Bite Diet Work?

So my brother Joseph decided to go on the 5 bite diet exactly one month ago today – Here are the results.
He decided to take a picture of the scale after each weigh in. The diet is VERY simple after day 3, and the rules are as easy as PIE.

197 lbs

197 lbs on 6-12-11

This is the first picture he took on the scale. on June 12th (the day we all started (i lost 16 so far)), he weighed in at 197.00 LBS. He was motivated and ready.

After Week 1 at 187

After Week 1 at 187 down 10 lbs.

Week 1 passed and obviously he was very excited to see the results. 10 POUNDS? are you kidding me? Well, that obviously got him motivated to continue the diet and see what would happen.

After Week 2 at 180.5 down 16.5

After Week 2 at 180.5 down 16.5 lbs.

After the second full week, he shed another 6.5 LBS not bad for a diet where you can eat WHATEVER you want.

After Week 3 at 175 down 22

After Week 3 at 175 down 22 lbs.

OK, week 3 passed, and was it possible to lose anymore? YES – he weighed in at 175. that’s exactly 22 LBS of his body.

After Week 4 at 171 down 26 lbs.

After Week 4 at 171 down 26 lbs.

Today was the last official weigh in. Weighed in at 171 LBS – that’s a total of 26 LBS in 28 Days, all while eating what he wants. We will weigh in again next week, but we officially wanted to see what he will look like after one month. (before and after shots to come soon)

Now you be the Judge. Does it work? I say YES – the 5 Bite Diet DOES Work.

Dos Equis Man as a KID

What did the Dos Equis Man look like when he was young?
You ever wondered what the Dos Equis Man (the most interesting man in the world) looked like when he was Younger? Here are some snapshots we found from Dos Equis archives. Rumor has it that he was born as not only the most interesting man in the world, but the Coolest kid in the world. He always had the swag. These are exclusive pictures. No one else has them, only available on joelbess.com. You can see the pictures and videos of what he looks like as an old man over here. But Rumor has it that he isn’t half as interesting as he was when he was a youth.

Reuven Gradon Gets Married – Joseph Bess Steals the Show

Mazel Tov to Reueven Gradon. What a beautiful wedding. Once again someone stole the show from Reuven and Shevy…. Guess who… Yup… Joseph (Yossie) Bess. It was a beautiful night in Monsey, New York and the wedding was winding down, when Joseph pulled the microphone from the band, and told them a song to play. They didn’t really know the song, so Joseph said he will lead the way. Well, like they say in the music world.. the rest is history.

The Paparrazi caught it on Video – here is a snippet below.

 

Introducing Joseph Bess

Joseph Bess is the coolest guy alive. Mega swag.

And here is another.