1) My first job was in an orange factory, but I couldn’t concentrate.

2) Then i worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.

3) After that I tried working in a doughnut shop, but I soon got tired of the hole business.

4) I manufactured calendars, but my days were numbered.

5) I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it.

6) I took a job as an upholsterer, but I never recovered.

7) Next I tried working in a car muffler factory, but that was exhausting.

8) I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldnt cut it.

9) I studied to become a doctor, but I didn’t have enough patients for the job.

10) I became a velcro salesman, but I couldn’t stick with it.

11) I tried my hand at a professional career in tennis, but it wasn’t my racket.

12) I became a baker, but it wasnt a cakewalk, and I couldn’t make enough dough.

13) I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

14) redacted

15) I thought about being a historian, but I couldn’t see a future in it.

16) Next I was an electrician, but I found the work shocking and revolting, so they discharged me.

17) I tried being a teacher, but I soon lost my principal, my faculties, and my class.

18) I turned to farming, but I wasn’t outstanding in my field.

19) I took a job as an elevator operator. The job had its ups and downs, and I got the shaft.

20) I sold origami, but the business folded.

21) I took a job at UPS, but I couldn’t express myself.

22) Then I tried being a fireman, but I suffered burnout.

23) I became a banker, but I lacked interest and maturity, and finally withdrew from the job.

24) I was a professional fisherman, but I couldn’t live on my net income.

25) I next worked in a shoe factory, but I just didn’t fit in. They thought I was a loafer, and I got the boot.

26) Then I worked at starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

27) so I’ve retired, and I find I’m a perfect fit for this job!

credit: Akiva Fox

Mazel Tov to Reueven Gradon. What a beautiful wedding. Once again someone stole the show from Reuven and Shevy…. Guess who… Yup… Joseph (Yossie) Bess. It was a beautiful night in Monsey, New York and the wedding was winding down, when Joseph pulled the microphone from the band, and told them a song to play. They didn’t really know the song, so Joseph said he will lead the way. Well, like they say in the music world.. the rest is history.

The Paparrazi caught it on Video – here is a snippet below.

So I lost a bet with Dovi Hershberg. It was such a minor bet. Funny thing is that it was over a 16.00 thing. Anyway, I cant go down by just giving him 1000.00 in cash. I had to do something creative.
I decided to order from my bank 1000.00 in nickles. I had Danny help unload all the nickles in a few bags. While he was at dinner, i coordinated with Gradon to have his trunk unlocked. While he was eating, I dumped the 20k nickles in his trunk…. Here is how it played out….

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time… I know where my watch is pal, where’s yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their lazy butt to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3. When people say ‘Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too’. Damn right! What good is cake if you can’t eat it?
4. When people say ‘it’s always the last place you look’. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this?
5. When people say while watching a film ‘did you see that?’. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stared at the floor.
6. People who ask ‘Can I ask you a question?’… Didn’t really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is ‘new and improved!’. Which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn’t be new.
8. When people say ‘life is short’. What the heck?? Life is the longest thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that’s longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks has the bus come yet?’ If the bus came would I be standing here? Smart.

Men Are Happier Just People – Period

• NICKNAMES
  • If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
  • If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
• EATING OUT
  • When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
  • When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
• MONEY
  • A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
  • A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.
• BATHROOMS
  • A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
  • The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
• ARGUMENTS
  • A woman has the last word in any argument.
  • Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
• FUTURE
  • A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
  • A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
• SUCCESS
  • A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
  • A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
• MARRIAGE
  • A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
  • A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.
• DRESSING UP
  • A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
  • A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
• NATURAL
  • Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
  • Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
• OFFSPRING
  • Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
  • A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

I usually don’t forward or post these type of emails, but i got this one from a friend of mine, and i felt that it had to be shared. Really teaches us life lessons….

Mayonnaise Jar & Two Beers…

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.

When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full.

They agreed that it was..

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full.

They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

He asked once more if the jar was full.

The students responded with a unanimous ‘yes.’

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.

The students laughed..

‘Now,’ said the professor as the laughter subsided, ‘I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things—your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions—and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter, like your job, your house and your car..

The sand is everything else—the small stuff..

‘If you put the sand into the jar first,’ he continued, ‘there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.

The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Spend time with your children. Spend time with your spouse . Visit with parents and grandparents.

Take time to get medical checkups.

Take your spouse out to dinner.

Play another 18..

There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.

Take care of the golf balls first—the things that really matter.

Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented.

‘ The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.’

Here is a REAL OBITUARY that was printed in a london Paper – Makes you think. (was forwarded to me) Not a joke

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
Why the early bird gets the worm;
Life isn’t always fair;
and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place:
Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate;
Teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch;
A teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer sunscreen or an Aspirin to a student; but could
not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death
by his parents, Truth and Trust;
by his wife, Discretion;
by his daughter, Responsibility and
by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers:
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I am a Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

If you still remember him, pass this on.
If not,
join the majority and do nothing.

My very good friend Tony just sent me this email – yes it was one of those emails that was forwarded by 90 people. but it was amazing. Thought Id share it.

1 – Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

2 – Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

3 – Don’t believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

4 – When you say, ‘I love you,’ mean it.

5 – When you say, ‘I’m sorry,’ look the person in the eye.

6 – Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

7 – Believe in love at first sight.

8 – Never laugh at anyone’s dreams. People who don’t have dreams don’t have much.

9 – Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it’s the only way to live life completely.

10 – In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

11 – Don’t judge people by their relatives.

12 – Talk slowly but think quickly.

13 – When someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer, smile and ask,’Why do you want to know?’

14 – Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

15 – Say ‘bless you’ when you hear someone sneeze.

16 – When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.

17 – Remember the three R’s: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.

18 – Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

19 – When you realize you ‘ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

20 – Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice

21 – Spend some time alone.