An Old Jewish Man Dies His last wish to his son is to print an obituary. The son goes to newspaper office and asks how much they charge for an obituary. They tell him $5 per word.
He says then print “Solomon dead”. The newspaper tell him they require minimum 5 words. He thinks for a moment and says, then make it “Solomon dead, wheelchair for sale”.
An uplifting story
There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he loved to play Golf .
One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.
He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels.
He looked closer and saw that this man didn’t have any arms at all.
He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.
He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again. He asked, ‘Why are you so happy anyway?’
He said, ‘I’m NOT happy.
My balls itch.
Stories like this just makes one want to cry, how heart-warming.
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time…. I know where my watch is pal, where the heck is yours? Do I point at my pants when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their butt to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3. When people say, “Oh, you just want to have your cake and eat it too”. Dang right! What good is cake if you can’t eat it?
4. When people say, “It’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why the heck would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?!
5. When people say while watching a film “did you see that?”. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the floor..
6. People who ask “Can I ask you a question?”…. Didn’t really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is ‘new and improved!’. Which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it, and can’t be new.
8.When people say “life is short”. What the heck?? Life is the longest darn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that’s longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here?
Compliments of Alana Bess
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a U.S. naval ship with the Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Canadians:
Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans:
Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North.
Canadians:
Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans:
This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians:
No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans:
THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN,THAT’S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians:
We are a lighthouse, your call.
Google’s instant search feature is a great tool, however, sometimes it works against you.
If you type certain things into the google toolbar it tries to figure out the rest of what you are going to search….
Well look below. (click to enlarge)
Jews are What???
Mazel Tov to Reueven Gradon. What a beautiful wedding. Once again someone stole the show from Reuven and Shevy…. Guess who… Yup… Joseph (Yossie) Bess. It was a beautiful night in Monsey, New York and the wedding was winding down, when Joseph pulled the microphone from the band, and told them a song to play. They didn’t really know the song, so Joseph said he will lead the way. Well, like they say in the music world.. the rest is history.
The Paparrazi caught it on Video – here is a snippet below.
1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.
13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some p
eople’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever..
22. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
24. People who forward e- mail without deleting the tons of previous recipients should be shot and then tarred and feathered.
25. The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. Ladies quit Laughing!
Good Bye 2010–Thanks for the Educational Emails
TIMES HAVE REALLY CHANGED
Here are some comments that were made in the year 1955!
That’s only 55 years ago!
‘I’ll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it’s going to be impossible to buy a week’s groceries for $10.00. ‘
________________________________________
‘Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won’t be long before $1, 000.00 will only buy a used one.’
________________________________________
‘If cigarettes keep going up in price, I’m going to quit; 20 cents a pack is ridiculous. ‘
________________________________________
‘Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging 7 cents just to mail a letter.’
________________________________________
‘If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.’
________________________________________
‘When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 25 cents a gallon. Guess we’d be better off leaving the car in the garage.’
________________________________________
‘I’m afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in ‘GONE WITH THE WIND’, it seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.’
________________________________________
‘I read the other day where some scientist thinks it’s possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas .’
________________________________________
‘Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $50,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn’t surprise me if someday they’ll be making more than the President. ‘
________________________________________
‘I never thought I’d see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now. ‘
________________________________________
‘It’s too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet. ‘
________________________________________
‘It won’t be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.’
________________________________________
‘I’m afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.’
________________________________________
‘Thank goodness I won’t live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to government.’
________________________________________
‘The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.’
________________________________________
‘There is no sense going on short trips anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $2.00 a night to stay in a hotel.’
________________________________________
‘No one can afford to be sick anymore. At $15.00 a day in the hospital, it’s too rich for my blood.’
________________________________________
‘If they think I’ll pay 30 cents for a hair cut, forget it.’
________________________________________
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Well today was the Super Bowl 2011
Green Bay Packers vs The Pittsburgh Steelers
Green Bay started as being favored by 2.5 closed at 3
I ended up taking Pitt +3.5 and over 44.5 so i pretty much Pushed in the straigh up Bets.
Its too bad, cause with 4:00 left PIT was down by only 3 points after a great 2 pt conversion. Rogers and Co just had to run the clock out, instead ehe decided to march down the field and kick a field goal – too bad.
But check out some of the Prop Bets I had in this game
Team to score first, gb
Team to score last, gb
Either team score 3 unanswered times, no +150
Score in last 2 min of 1st half -260 yes
First score of game, TD
Score in first 7;30, no
Lost on longest field goal (I had GB)
Lost on team to punt first (I had GB)
Will a special teams or defensive td score, yes +155
Lost on steelers will get first sack
Can you believe that the Manhattan Beach Police department is this BORED that they stopped me while I was coming out of a restaurant and gave me a ticket for this….
PATHETIC!!!!
Men Are Happier Just People – Period
Ever wonder how to utilize your time getting snowed in?
Get a little creative.
Here is one idea.
Ever wonder what certain prices of different liquids cost.
I found a chart online that shows where a few liquids stack up.
interesting what the most expensive one is…..
I usually don’t forward or post these type of emails, but i got this one from a friend of mine, and i felt that it had to be shared. Really teaches us life lessons….
Mayonnaise Jar & Two Beers…
When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.
When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.
He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was..
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full.
They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full.
The students responded with a unanimous ‘yes.’
The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.
The students laughed..
‘Now,’ said the professor as the laughter subsided, ‘I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things—your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions—and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter, like your job, your house and your car..
The sand is everything else—the small stuff..
‘If you put the sand into the jar first,’ he continued, ‘there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for life.
If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Spend time with your children. Spend time with your spouse . Visit with parents and grandparents.
Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your spouse out to dinner.
Play another 18..
There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.
Take care of the golf balls first—the things that really matter.
Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented.
‘ The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.’
Here is a REAL OBITUARY that was printed in a london Paper – Makes you think. (was forwarded to me) Not a joke
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
Why the early bird gets the worm;
Life isn’t always fair;
and maybe it was my fault.Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place:
Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate;
Teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch;
A teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer sunscreen or an Aspirin to a student; but could
not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death
by his parents, Truth and Trust;
by his wife, Discretion;
by his daughter, Responsibility and
by his son, Reason.He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers:
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I am a VictimNot many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
If you still remember him, pass this on.
If not,
join the majority and do nothing.
A Friend of mine forwarded me this joke- thought it was funny enough to post. I am jewish so it isnt that offensive!!
Four Jewish ladies were sitting around playing Mah Jongg.
The first lady says, “You know girls, I have known you all for such a long time, and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a kleptomaniac. But don’t worry, I have never stolen from any of you and never will. We have been friends for too long.”
One of the other ladies says, “Well, since we are having true confessions, I am a nymphomaniac, but don’t Sorry. I have not hit on any of your husbands, and never will, they don’t interest me. We have been friends for too long.”
“Well”, says the third lady, “I too must confess. The reason I never married is that I am a lesbian, but don’t worry. I will never hit on any of you. We have been friends for too long, and I don’t want to ruin our friendship.”
The fourth lady stands up and says, “I have a confession to make also. I am a yenta, so please excuse me, I have a lot of calls to make.”
This was sent to me by my mother…..
Read this and make a copy for your files in case you need to refer to it someday. Maybe we should all take some of his advice! A corporate attorney sent the following out to the employees in his company:
1…. Do not sign the back of your credit cards. Instead, put ‘PHOTO ID REQUIRED.’
2. When you are writing checks to pay on your credit card accounts, DO NOT put the complete account number on the ‘For’ line. Instead, just put the last four numbers. The credit card company knows the rest of the number, and anyone who might be handling your check as it passes through all the check processing channels won’t have access to it.
3. Put your work phone # on your checks instead of your home phone. If you have a PO Box use that instead of your home address. If you do not have a PO Box, use your work address. Never have your SS# printed on your checks. (DUH!) You can add it if it is necessary. But if you have It printed, anyone can get it.
4. Place the contents of your wallet on a photocopy machine. Do both sides of each license, credit card, etc. You will know what you had in your wallet and all of the account numbers and phone numbers to call and cancel…. Keep the photocopy in a safe place. I also carry a photocopy of my passport when I travel either here or abroad. We’ve all heard horror stories about fraud that’s committed on us in stealing a Name, address, Social Security number, credit cards. Unfortunately, I, an attorney, have first hand knowledge because my wallet was stolen last month…. Within a week, the thieves ordered an expensive monthly cell phone package, applied for a VISA credit card, had a credit line approved to buy a Gateway computer, received a PIN number from DMV to change my driving record information online, and more. But here’s some critical information to limit the damage in case this happens to you or someone you know:
5. We have been told we should cancel our credit cards immediately. But the key is having the toll free numbers and your card numbers handy so you know whom to call. Keep those where you can find them.
6. File a police report immediately in the jurisdiction where your credit cards, etc., were stolen. This proves to credit providers you were diligent, and this is a first step toward an investigation (if there ever is one).
But here’s what is perhaps most important of all: (I never even thought to do this.)
7. Call the 3 national credit reporting organizations immediately to place a fraud alert on your name and also call the Social Security fraud line number. I had never heard of doing that until advised by a bank that called to tell me an application for credit was made over the internet in my name.
The alert means any company that checks your credit knows your information was stolen, and they have to contact you by phone to authorize new credit.
By the time I was advised to do this, almost two weeks after the theft, all the damage had been done. There are records of all the credit checks initiated by the thieves’ purchases, none of which I knew about before placing the alert. Since then, no additional damage has been done, and the thieves threw my wallet away this weekend (someone turned it in). It seems to have stopped them dead in their tracks…
Now, here are the numbers you always need to contact about your wallet, if it has been stolen:
1.) Equifax:
1-800-525-6285
1-800-525-6285
2.) Experian (formerly TRW):
1-888-397-3742
1-888-397-3742
3.) Trans Union
1-800-680 7289
1-800-680 7289
4.) Social Security Administration
(fraud line):
1-800-269-0271
1-800-269-0271
We pass along jokes on the Internet; we pass along just about everything. If you are willing to pass this information along, it could really help someone that you care about.
My very good friend Tony just sent me this email – yes it was one of those emails that was forwarded by 90 people. but it was amazing. Thought Id share it.
1 – Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
2 – Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
3 – Don’t believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
4 – When you say, ‘I love you,’ mean it.
5 – When you say, ‘I’m sorry,’ look the person in the eye.
6 – Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
7 – Believe in love at first sight.
8 – Never laugh at anyone’s dreams. People who don’t have dreams don’t have much.
9 – Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it’s the only way to live life completely.
10 – In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
11 – Don’t judge people by their relatives.
12 – Talk slowly but think quickly.
13 – When someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer, smile and ask,’Why do you want to know?’
14 – Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
15 – Say ‘bless you’ when you hear someone sneeze.
16 – When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.
17 – Remember the three R’s: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.
18 – Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
19 – When you realize you ‘ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
20 – Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice
21 – Spend some time alone.
New York – Anything in numerology ? The eighth anniversary of the 9/11 terror attacks brought a reminder of how little progress the stock market has made since then, largely because of the steep slide that began two years ago. On Sept. 10, 2001, the Dow ended at 9,605.51; that is nearly identical to friday’s close of 9,605.41.
Some Very interesting Facts.
Even if you aren’t a sports fan this is very interesting!
36 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71 Repeat 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 currently are defendants in lawsuits,
84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year
Give up yet?
Scroll down,
United States Congress
The same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.
You gotta pass this one on!
This was sent to me by one of the pioneers in the infomercial industry
Funny parody
