This has got to be one of the cleverest I’ve received in awhile.
Someone out there must be “deadly” at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES – LET’S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z ‘S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I’M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Can you believe that the Manhattan Beach Police department is this BORED that they stopped me while I was coming out of a restaurant and gave me a ticket for this….

PATHETIC!!!!

If its dangerous stop it

If you just don’t like it, ignore it

If you like it, reward it

So I lost a bet with Dovi Hershberg. It was such a minor bet. Funny thing is that it was over a 16.00 thing. Anyway, I cant go down by just giving him 1000.00 in cash. I had to do something creative.
I decided to order from my bank 1000.00 in nickles. I had Danny help unload all the nickles in a few bags. While he was at dinner, i coordinated with Gradon to have his trunk unlocked. While he was eating, I dumped the 20k nickles in his trunk…. Here is how it played out….

I saw this in a recent article in a magazine while traveling….
Had to rip it out and share it with you guys…
Click on it to enlarge it. – Viewer Discretion Advised

Another Moving Story you don’t want to miss

If this does not touch your heart, then you just don’t have one.
An incredible story of luck and inspiration!

Can you believe it?
This  guy wins $181 million in the lottery last Wednesday, and then finds the love of his life just 2 days later.
Talk about  LUCK!

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time… I know where my watch is pal, where’s yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their lazy butt to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3. When people say ‘Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too’. Damn right! What good is cake if you can’t eat it?
4. When people say ‘it’s always the last place you look’. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this?
5. When people say while watching a film ‘did you see that?’. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stared at the floor.
6. People who ask ‘Can I ask you a question?’… Didn’t really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is ‘new and improved!’. Which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn’t be new.
8. When people say ‘life is short’. What the heck?? Life is the longest thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that’s longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks has the bus come yet?’ If the bus came would I be standing here? Smart.

Men Are Happier Just People – Period

• NICKNAMES
  • If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
  • If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
• EATING OUT
  • When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
  • When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
• MONEY
  • A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
  • A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.
• BATHROOMS
  • A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
  • The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
• ARGUMENTS
  • A woman has the last word in any argument.
  • Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
• FUTURE
  • A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
  • A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
• SUCCESS
  • A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
  • A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
• MARRIAGE
  • A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
  • A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.
• DRESSING UP
  • A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
  • A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
• NATURAL
  • Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
  • Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
• OFFSPRING
  • Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
  • A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Ever wonder how to utilize your time getting snowed in?

Get a little creative.

Here is one idea.

Ever wonder what certain prices of different liquids cost.

I found a chart online that shows where a few liquids stack up.

interesting what the most expensive one is…..

I usually don’t forward or post these type of emails, but i got this one from a friend of mine, and i felt that it had to be shared. Really teaches us life lessons….

Mayonnaise Jar & Two Beers…

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.

When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full.

They agreed that it was..

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full.

They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

He asked once more if the jar was full.

The students responded with a unanimous ‘yes.’

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.

The students laughed..

‘Now,’ said the professor as the laughter subsided, ‘I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things—your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions—and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter, like your job, your house and your car..

The sand is everything else—the small stuff..

‘If you put the sand into the jar first,’ he continued, ‘there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.

The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Spend time with your children. Spend time with your spouse . Visit with parents and grandparents.

Take time to get medical checkups.

Take your spouse out to dinner.

Play another 18..

There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.

Take care of the golf balls first—the things that really matter.

Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented.

‘ The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.’

I think the designer of Google is having serious problems.
Compliments of David Young

When your norton anti virus software expires you are going to get a pop up warning from them. It is actually pretty funny what it says. See below. Great marketing by them. Scare you so you renew it!!!

Here is a REAL OBITUARY that was printed in a london Paper – Makes you think. (was forwarded to me) Not a joke

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
Why the early bird gets the worm;
Life isn’t always fair;
and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place:
Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate;
Teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch;
A teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer sunscreen or an Aspirin to a student; but could
not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death
by his parents, Truth and Trust;
by his wife, Discretion;
by his daughter, Responsibility and
by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers:
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I am a Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

If you still remember him, pass this on.
If not,
join the majority and do nothing.

A Friend of mine forwarded me this joke- thought it was funny enough to post. I am jewish so it isnt that offensive!!

Four Jewish ladies were sitting around playing Mah Jongg.

The first lady says, “You know girls, I have known you all for such a long time, and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a kleptomaniac. But don’t worry, I have never stolen from any of you and never will. We have been friends for too long.”

One of the other ladies says, “Well, since we are having true confessions, I am a nymphomaniac, but don’t Sorry. I have not hit on any of your husbands, and never will, they don’t interest me. We have been friends for too long.”

“Well”, says the third lady, “I too must confess. The reason I never married is that I am a lesbian, but don’t worry. I will never hit on any of you. We have been friends for too long, and I don’t want to ruin our friendship.”

The fourth lady stands up and says, “I have a confession to make also. I am a yenta, so please excuse me, I have a lot of calls to make.”

Start typing in Google….
My girlfriend wont…
or my wife wont….
and look what it comes up with

This was sent to me by my mother…..

Read this and make a copy for your files in case you need to refer to it someday. Maybe we should all take some of his advice! A corporate attorney sent the following out to the employees in his company:

1…. Do not sign the back of your credit cards. Instead, put ‘PHOTO ID REQUIRED.’

2. When you are writing checks to pay on your credit card accounts, DO NOT put the complete account number on the ‘For’ line. Instead, just put the last four numbers. The credit card company knows the rest of the number, and anyone who might be handling your check as it passes through all the check processing channels won’t have access to it.

3. Put your work phone # on your checks instead of your home phone. If you have a PO Box use that instead of your home address. If you do not have a PO Box, use your work address. Never have your SS# printed on your checks. (DUH!) You can add it if it is necessary. But if you have It printed, anyone can get it.

4. Place the contents of your wallet on a photocopy machine. Do both sides of each license, credit card, etc. You will know what you had in your wallet and all of the account numbers and phone numbers to call and cancel…. Keep the photocopy in a safe place. I also carry a photocopy of my passport when I travel either here or abroad. We’ve all heard horror stories about fraud that’s committed on us in stealing a Name, address, Social Security number, credit cards. Unfortunately, I, an attorney, have first hand knowledge because my wallet was stolen last month…. Within a week, the thieves ordered an expensive monthly cell phone package, applied for a VISA credit card, had a credit line approved to buy a Gateway computer, received a PIN number from DMV to change my driving record information online, and more. But here’s some critical information to limit the damage in case this happens to you or someone you know:

5. We have been told we should cancel our credit cards immediately. But the key is having the toll free numbers and your card numbers handy so you know whom to call. Keep those where you can find them.

6. File a police report immediately in the jurisdiction where your credit cards, etc., were stolen. This proves to credit providers you were diligent, and this is a first step toward an investigation (if there ever is one).

But here’s what is perhaps most important of all: (I never even thought to do this.)
7. Call the 3 national credit reporting organizations immediately to place a fraud alert on your name and also call the Social Security fraud line number. I had never heard of doing that until advised by a bank that called to tell me an application for credit was made over the internet in my name.

The alert means any company that checks your credit knows your information was stolen, and they have to contact you by phone to authorize new credit.

By the time I was advised to do this, almost two weeks after the theft, all the damage had been done. There are records of all the credit checks initiated by the thieves’ purchases, none of which I knew about before placing the alert. Since then, no additional damage has been done, and the thieves threw my wallet away this weekend (someone turned it in). It seems to have stopped them dead in their tracks…

Now, here are the numbers you always need to contact about your wallet, if it has been stolen:

1.) Equifax:
1-800-525-6285
1-800-525-6285

2.) Experian (formerly TRW):
1-888-397-3742
1-888-397-3742

3.) Trans Union
1-800-680 7289
1-800-680 7289

4.) Social Security Administration
(fraud line):
1-800-269-0271
1-800-269-0271

We pass along jokes on the Internet; we pass along just about everything. If you are willing to pass this information along, it could really help someone that you care about.

My very good friend Tony just sent me this email – yes it was one of those emails that was forwarded by 90 people. but it was amazing. Thought Id share it.

1 – Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

2 – Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

3 – Don’t believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

4 – When you say, ‘I love you,’ mean it.

5 – When you say, ‘I’m sorry,’ look the person in the eye.

6 – Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

7 – Believe in love at first sight.

8 – Never laugh at anyone’s dreams. People who don’t have dreams don’t have much.

9 – Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it’s the only way to live life completely.

10 – In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

11 – Don’t judge people by their relatives.

12 – Talk slowly but think quickly.

13 – When someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer, smile and ask,’Why do you want to know?’

14 – Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

15 – Say ‘bless you’ when you hear someone sneeze.

16 – When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.

17 – Remember the three R’s: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.

18 – Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

19 – When you realize you ‘ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

20 – Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice

21 – Spend some time alone.

You no Longer need photoshop – check out this new technology that has been created by some chinese students.  Insert elements into a sketch and VOILA – it creats an actual picture. AMAZING.

PhotoSketch: Internet Image Montage from tao chen on Vimeo.

New York – Anything in numerology ? The eighth anniversary of the 9/11 terror attacks brought a reminder of how little progress the stock market has made since then, largely because of the steep slide that began two years ago. On Sept. 10, 2001, the Dow ended at 9,605.51; that is nearly identical to friday’s close of 9,605.41.

Check this out. NBA or NFL

Some Very interesting Facts.

Even if you aren’t a sports fan this is very interesting!

36 have been accused of spousal abuse

7 have been arrested for fraud

19 have been accused of writing bad checks

117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

3 have done time for assault

71 Repeat 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

8 have been arrested for shoplifting

21 currently are defendants in lawsuits,

84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?
NBA or NFL

Give up yet?
Scroll down,

Neither,
it’s the 535 members of the United States Congress

United States Congress

The same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

You gotta pass this one on!

This was sent to me by one of the pioneers in the infomercial industry
Funny parody

There is a BBM or email going around now – and I am just trying to show how powerful Google is….
Here is a picture of what is being sent around

White People Stole My Car Google Results Original www.joelbess.com

Its offensive – yes. I agree.

If you went to google trends an hour after it was passed around and after the whole world twittered the pic –
you will see this as the Hottest trends.

White People Stole My Car Google Trend Results www.joelbess.com

Now look at what happens when you type in that phrase in Google
look how many google results there are already with blogs and all.

AMAZING

White People Stole My Car Google Results www.joelbess.com

The Perfect Gift! A Very Funny Video