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Keeping politics real

politics-magnifying-glass-over-background-with-different-association-terms-vector-illustration-stock-vectorI told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.”
He said, “NO!”
I told him, “She is Bill Gates’ daughter.”
He said, “OK.”
I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.”
Bill Gates said, “NO.”
I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.”
Bill Gates said, “OK.”
I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.
He said, “NO.”
I told him, “My son is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.”
He said, “OK.”
This is exactly how politics works . . .

Economy – How Bad is it?

  • Bad EconomyThe recession has hit everybody really hard…
  • My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
  • Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can’t afford batteries.
  • CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
  • Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
  • A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
  • I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
  • If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
  • McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
  • Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
  • Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s’ names.
  • A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
  • A picture is now only worth 200 words.
  • When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
  • The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And, finally….

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline.  I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Compliments of Diana Baxter

Reuven Gradon Gets Married – Joseph Bess Steals the Show

Mazel Tov to Reueven Gradon. What a beautiful wedding. Once again someone stole the show from Reuven and Shevy…. Guess who… Yup… Joseph (Yossie) Bess. It was a beautiful night in Monsey, New York and the wedding was winding down, when Joseph pulled the microphone from the band, and told them a song to play. They didn’t really know the song, so Joseph said he will lead the way. Well, like they say in the music world.. the rest is history.

The Paparrazi caught it on Video – here is a snippet below.

 

Oh BlackBerry

THIS MORNING – I WOKE UP TO THIS LETTER FROM MY BLACKBERRY
PRETTY SCARY!!!!

__

Dear Owner,

I’m so lucky I’m your BlackBerry!

You hold me with both hands gently as u could be.

You ensure that I am always with you.

If I fall you are afraid of my injury.

I always have your undivided attention, you get upset if others disturb our time together.

U can never forget me in a taxi & u won’t let me go unlike my old friends nokia, sony and sammy that u would proudly just hand over.

When u eat, I’m beside u. When u r on the toilet, I’m with u. When u sleep, my head is by ur pillow.

When I scream u rush and pick me up like an egg.

When I feel low, you make every effort to recharge my battery. When I am hungry, you fill me with airtime. You buy me all sorts of clothes to cover my precious skin. And if I make u feel t like a cowboy u strap me to ur waist or jeans.

Every month you ensure that you set aside the money, to buy me bundles (of love).

You upgraded me from my friends nokia, sony and sammy to a curve, bold & torch.

You rush home from work and spend quality time with me; not really bothered to make a conversation with those at home. You can sit up with me for hours and smile at me, yet I have no humanly emotions; sometimes I make u laugh that ppl think u are mad. I watch your wife/hubby or ‎​your bf/gf who envies our time together.

But dearie…

I appeal to you.

Your life is wasted because of me. Take some time, leave me aside and Sort out issues that are important to you because I may love you as much as you do love me but I’m just a blackberry, nothing more!

                      Kind Pings,

                      Your Blackberry

2010 is Over

Good Bye 2010–Thanks for the Educational Emails

  • As 2010 nears the end, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
  • I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
  • I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
  • I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.
  • Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
  • I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public restroom.
  • I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
  • ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
  • I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.
  • I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
  • I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.
  • I can’t have a drink in a bar because I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.
  • I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
  • I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
  • THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
  • BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
  • I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.
  • I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
  • AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.
  • I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
  • I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
  • And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan ..
  • I no longer buy cookies from Woollies since I now have their recipe.
  • THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
  • AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up a $1.00 coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
  • I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
  • P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.
  • NOW YOU ALL HAVE YOURSELVES A VERY GOOD DAY……AND A HEALTHY LIFE…… oh yeah, the info about bed bugs has been invaluable, too!

Great Scrabble

This has got to be one of the cleverest I’ve received in awhile.
Someone out there must be “deadly” at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES – LET’S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z ‘S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I’M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Another Moving Story

Another Moving Story you don’t want to miss

If this does not touch your heart, then you just don’t have one.
An incredible story of luck and inspiration!

Can you believe it?
This  guy wins $181 million in the lottery last Wednesday, and then finds the love of his life just 2 days later.
Talk about  LUCK!

9 Things I Hate About people:

  1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time… I know where my watch is pal, where’s yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
  2. People who are willing to get off their lazy butt to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
  3. When people say ‘Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too’. Damn right! What good is cake if you can’t eat it?
  4. When people say ‘it’s always the last place you look’. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this?
  5. When people say while watching a film ‘did you see that?’. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stared at the floor.
  6. People who ask ‘Can I ask you a question?’… Didn’t really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
  7. When something is ‘new and improved!’. Which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn’t be new.
  8. When people say ‘life is short’. What the heck?? Life is the longest thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that’s longer?
  9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks has the bus come yet?’ If the bus came would I be standing here? Smart.

Men Are Happier People

Men Are Happier Just People – Period

  • NICKNAMES
    • If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
    • If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
  • EATING OUT
    • When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
    • When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
  • MONEY
    • A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
    • A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.
  • BATHROOMS
    • A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
    • The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
  • ARGUMENTS
    • A woman has the last word in any argument.
    • Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
  • FUTURE
    • A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
    • A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
  • SUCCESS
    • A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
    • A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
  • MARRIAGE
    • A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
    • A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.
  • DRESSING UP
    • A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
    • A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
  • NATURAL
    • Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
    • Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
  • OFFSPRING
    • Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
    • A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Google says – Wife Wont what?

Start typing in Google….
My girlfriend wont…
or my wife wont….
and look what it comes up with

wife-wont

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Interesting Things You do to protect yourself…

good-creditThis was sent to me by my mother…..

Read this and make a copy for your files in case you need to refer to it someday. Maybe we should all take some of his advice! A corporate attorney sent the following out to the employees in his company:

1…. Do not sign the back of your credit cards. Instead, put ‘PHOTO ID REQUIRED.’

2. When you are writing checks to pay on your credit card accounts, DO NOT put the complete account number on the ‘For’ line. Instead, just put the last four numbers. The credit card company knows the rest of the number, and anyone who might be handling your check as it passes through all the check processing channels won’t have access to it.

3. Put your work phone # on your checks instead of your home phone. If you have a PO Box use that instead of your home address. If you do not have a PO Box, use your work address. Never have your SS# printed on your checks. (DUH!) You can add it if it is necessary. But if you have It printed, anyone can get it.

4. Place the contents of your wallet on a photocopy machine. Do both sides of each license, credit card, etc. You will know what you had in your wallet and all of the account numbers and phone numbers to call and cancel…. Keep the photocopy in a safe place. I also carry a photocopy of my passport when I travel either here or abroad. We’ve all heard horror stories about fraud that’s committed on us in stealing a Name, address, Social Security number, credit cards. Unfortunately, I, an attorney, have first hand knowledge because my wallet was stolen last month…. Within a week, the thieves ordered an expensive monthly cell phone package, applied for a VISA credit card, had a credit line approved to buy a Gateway computer, received a PIN number from DMV to change my driving record information online, and more. But here’s some critical information to limit the damage in case this happens to you or someone you know:

5. We have been told we should cancel our credit cards immediately. But the key is having the toll free numbers and your card numbers handy so you know whom to call. Keep those where you can find them.

6. File a police report immediately in the jurisdiction where your credit cards, etc., were stolen. This proves to credit providers you were diligent, and this is a first step toward an investigation (if there ever is one).

But here’s what is perhaps most important of all: (I never even thought to do this.)
7. Call the 3 national credit reporting organizations immediately to place a fraud alert on your name and also call the Social Security fraud line number. I had never heard of doing that until advised by a bank that called to tell me an application for credit was made over the internet in my name.

no-bad-creditThe alert means any company that checks your credit knows your information was stolen, and they have to contact you by phone to authorize new credit.

By the time I was advised to do this, almost two weeks after the theft, all the damage had been done. There are records of all the credit checks initiated by the thieves’ purchases, none of which I knew about before placing the alert. Since then, no additional damage has been done, and the thieves threw my wallet away this weekend (someone turned it in). It seems to have stopped them dead in their tracks…

Now, here are the numbers you always need to contact about your wallet, if it has been stolen:

1.) Equifax:
1-800-525-6285
1-800-525-6285

2.) Experian (formerly TRW):
1-888-397-3742
1-888-397-3742

3.) Trans Union
1-800-680 7289
1-800-680 7289

4.) Social Security Administration
(fraud line):
1-800-269-0271
1-800-269-0271

We pass along jokes on the Internet; we pass along just about everything. If you are willing to pass this information along, it could really help someone that you care about.

Forget PhotoShop

You no Longer need photoshop – check out this new technology that has been created by some chinese students.  Insert elements into a sketch and VOILA – it creats an actual picture. AMAZING.

PhotoSketch: Internet Image Montage from tao chen on Vimeo.

NBA or NFL – You pick

NBA or NFL

Check this out. NBA or NFL

Some Very interesting Facts.

Even if you aren’t a sports fan this is very interesting!

36 have been accused of spousal abuse

7 have been arrested for fraud

19 have been accused of writing bad checks

117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

3 have done time for assault

71 Repeat 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

8 have been arrested for shoplifting

21 currently are defendants in lawsuits,

84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?
NBA or NFL

NBA or NFL

Give up yet?
Scroll down,

 

 

Neither,
it’s the 535 members of the United States Congress

United States Congress

United States Congress

 

The same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

You gotta pass this one on!

The Infomercial Stopper

This was sent to me by one of the pioneers in the infomercial industry
Funny parody

White People Stole My Car

There is a BBM or email going around now – and I am just trying to show how powerful Google is….
Here is a picture of what is being sent around

White People Stole My Car Google Results Original

White People Stole My Car Google Results Original www.joelbess.com

Its offensive – yes. I agree.

If you went to google trends an hour after it was passed around and after the whole world twittered the pic –
you will see this as the Hottest trends.

White People Stole My Car Google Trend Results

White People Stole My Car Google Trend Results www.joelbess.com

Now look at what happens when you type in that phrase in Google
look how many google results there are already with blogs and all.

AMAZING

White People Stole My Car Google Results

White People Stole My Car Google Results www.joelbess.com